The world of Tzu Chi March 2023 (Vol.145)

2023 • 03 12 eople By Tan Siew Chern Translated by Lim Wen-Xin No one would have thought that Stephanie Chew, who always appears eloquent, steady, calm, confident, and cheerful on stage, once fell into the whirlpool of depression, having suicidal thoughts. Towards a Better Me A t the age of 30, Stephanie Chew gave birth to her eldest daughter with congenital heart disease. The little one underwent her last major surgery in the United States before the age of three. At that time, Stephanie would constantly worry about losing her daughter. Her second child was also born with health issues. The boy often choked while drinking milk. In fear of her child choking in the night, Stephanie did not sleep peacefully for over five months, being constantly anxious and blaming herself. “Why did this happen to my children but not me?” “It is my fault. I did not take good care of my children (in vitro).” The feeling of guilt was overwhelming. Unable to bear the immense physical and mental stress, Stephanie later found out that she had depression. She described, “My mind was like a projector playing 24/7…” Back then, most people, including herself, did not understand what depression was. Stephanie said, “I consulted a psychiatrist and had taken medication, but it was ineffective. So, the psychiatrist changed the medicine. However, the medicine only slowed down my thinking. I was still physically tired and could not function like normal…” The feeling that she could not take care of her kids properly worried her even more. When all things seemed to go wrong, she got confused. Her friend said, “You think too much!” while her husband, who was busy developing his career, said, “Exercise more. You will sleep when you are exhausted.”, or “If you cannot sleep today, sleep tomorrow!” But the emotional roller coaster ride persisted. Her unstable condition relapsed when she was carrying her youngest child in 2009. “Sometimes I felt like falling into an abyss, or drowning in a whirlpool.” At her worst, Stephanie thought of jumping off the 14th floor, and thought of hurting her daughter when the latter cried while she was driving. All kinds of “devils” challenged her. Fortunately, always, at her weakest, someone would give her a hand, offering support and stopping a tragic event from happening. Now that things have changed, Stephanie, who has learned Buddhism, believes that it is karma, that she must work to eliminate bad karma herself. Everything happens for a reason In 2006, Stephanie’s cousin invited her to visit the exhibition at Tzu-Chi Jing Si Hall in Penang. Both she and her husband were moved to tears and thought, “There is such a great Dharma Master in the world. We should help her.” They then took the initiative to go to Tzu Chi KL & Selangor office and signed up as a Tzu Chi donor after returning home from Penang. Soon,